I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just pee around me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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