Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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