I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
