the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
