I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
