Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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