So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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