wrigley field is MILF paradise
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
