Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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