Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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