I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
