He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
