Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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