I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
