highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
