I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I cockslap morals
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
