i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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