forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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