To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize