i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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