she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
