You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
