Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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