Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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