There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
