I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
