How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
