to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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