Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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