i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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