before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
