I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
