I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
