I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
