sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
