just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Someone came in the potted fern
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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