You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
