i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
