don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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