Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
