My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
