I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
