I just gift wrapped bread.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
