i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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