I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
