You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
