im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
