her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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