your parents love me but you hate me
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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