a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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