I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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