she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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