Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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