a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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