between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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