How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Im just a social blackout drinker.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
