A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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